Please be honest and let me know what you think, or if you have any suggestions to make anything better.


Waiting with you



Also, if someone is willing to fill out the contact me form located here at Suzanne DeSelms, birth doula just so I can make sure it works. Its OK to make up answers, though I'd prefer if you let me know who you are so I won't think its spam :-)


Edit thanks everyone!!! the contact me form does work, i have received three very enjoyable e-mails from friends of mine. one of whom actually is pregnant and had a duedate to put in :-)

So Alexis is writing a book for Cameron for Christmas and it is the cutest thing since ever. She is drawing these really awesome cartoon pictures for it too, but I have no way to share those at the moment so you'll just have to imagine them, mmmkay?

"Cameroo the little Kangaroo"

There once was a little kangaroo named Cameroo. He was the sweetest, most lovable kangaroo kid in the world.

Cameroo loved playing with his toy dinosaurs, fighting with his toy swords, and best of all he loved visiting his cousin Benaroo.

Cameroo and Benaroo would play all day long. Beneroo preferred playing video games while Cameroo preferred to use his imagination and make up his own games. And they both loved to color.

One of Cameroo and Benaroo's favorite games was called "Stay away from Alliroo Monster!" Alliroo was Beneroo's sister, but she was still too little to play most of their games and often takes naps in her mama's pouch.

Another one of their favorite games was to practice their sneaking skills. They get better at sneaking every day.

Sometimes their other cousins, Kaelaroo and Rylandroo would come to visit and everyone would have such a great time. Rylandroo liked playing video games with Benaroo while Kaelaroo liked playing pretend with Cameroo. It's not often that all the cousins are together when they do see each other. Everyone is sad when it's time to go home.

When it's time for bed, the two kangaroo kids go their separate ways. Benaroo likes to listen to music while he falls asleep. Cameroo likes to watch a show before he goes to sleep. And they both enjoy books and cuddles at bedtime.

As they sleep, the two kangaroo kids dream of what great adventures tomorrow will bring.

I just sent this ... I really did!!!!


"Hi Alyson, I wanted to tell you that I, too, had a homebirth on 3/24/09 and I named my daughter Allison :-) Thanks for reading this."



No joke. I mean, I am like 99.9 percent sure I won't get a response. She probably won't even read it. But it felt really really good to be brave enough to send it.

and this made me smile:

http://thesynergizer.livejournal.com/46365.html

note the answer to the first question :-)

i haven't cried in ten days but this did me in

I think in pictures. Envisioning the future, what it would be like for something to happen, I usually have one small concrete image, a moment, captured in my mind as the example of that happening. And I focus on it. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes not so much.

The thing is, with big events, it doesn't often go quite exactly like you pictured. My wedding was a striking example of a day that would have been really fun and great if I didn't have so many very very particular things envisioned. When it didn't work out exactly as I'd planned, I was disappointed.

So obviously, it would be within my best interest to stop doing this! And I've tried, believe me :-) But there are some pictures that are still there, especially the ones that have been with me all my life, the things I've always deeply wanted, and even gotten, but was missing the "picture" of the exact thing I had planned, the thing that would let me know I was perfectly happy, this was exactly what I'd spent my life dreaming about and now it was here.


( What on earth is Suzanne going on and on about this time? )

Allison Rain is 18 months old today.

She is a climber. She loves books. And Elmo. And Blues Clues.

She loves her dolly, (made from my real hair) and she loves her brother. She is fascinated by baby Hazel and kind of loves her, but is also kind of jealous.


She loves baths and is very very very good in the car. She will fall asleep if you aren't careful though. And she does not transfer. :-(


She is not night-weaned, not even close to near it. And I have no plans to add trauma to her life right now, or possibly ever. She did have her first overnight away from me this week, we were apart for 7 hours, nursed, and then she got back to sleep!



She is sassy and sneaky, and she knows how to push your buttons. Yesterday she and Ben got into their first fight when she snapped his favorite cd in half. He tried to grab it from her, she yanked it back, hit him with it, he bit her and she smacked him so he hit her back. It was not pretty folks. There was a ton of racket, some of which was coming from Hazel who was crying in my arms. That's why I witnessed so much of the fight before I was able to put a stop to it. The most horrifying thing to me was how much Alli held her own and inflicted purposeful violence on her brother like she totally knew what she was doing.



But she is also very sweet, loves to share things, especially food. And she has such an imagination! Like nothing I have ever seen. One of her favorite activities is reading books about food and "picking" pieces of the food from the pages of the book in her fingers and putting them in your mouth while you pretend to nom whatever she has fed you. She also feeds herself the foods too. And her brother.

Her other favorite activity is playing dress-up. She loves to drag clothes out of the laundry hamper and try them on. She doesn't care who they belong to. And she will keep putting clothes on over the ones she's wearing until they won't stay on any more. She also likes to clomp around in other people's shoes.


I bought her Christmas present already, the first time I have ever really purchased a Christmas present for either of my children because I really wanted the thing, instead of hrrm, need to get something, what should it be? Anyway, it's a handmade Etsy-quality tutu, custom colors and fit. It hasn't arrived yet but I saw photos and I am so excited :-) She will love it.


Her nightmares are dying down a bit, no serious problems since her overnight on Monday night. She has been up late a time or two, but so far, no incidences of her going to bed at bedtime and then waking up from a nightmare and being unable to get back to sleep. In fact, tonight was the first night that she went to bed at bedtime, woke up NOT screaming, and nursed back to sleep as she normally would have before her life was turned upside down.

Considering she lost a papa and gained a Hazel, she is doing remarkably well now. I love her so much and I am excited to get to know her as her personality develops more and more in the next six months.


Right now, my favorite part of each day is the morning (can you believe I am saying that? Neither can I!) when Ben tiptoes into the bedroom (never before 8:30, there's a sign on the door reminding him to check the clock) and climbs into bed with me and Alli. He has been much better at being quiet recently and she has been sleeping deeper as well, so she hasn't been stirring from his joining us like she used to. He snuggles up with me on one side and she is asleep on the other side. We cuddle together for awhile, sometimes Ben falls back to sleep for a bit, sometimes he gets squirmy and gets up to go potty and start his day.

Eventually, she wakes, I nurse her and we get up too. And then after breakfast, we sit on the couch to join Ben in whatever it is that he is doing (usually playing a video game) and I tell him what time his turn is up at. When the time comes, he turns off his game and picks out a movie that Alli likes (Blues Clues or Elmo) usually, and then we have a "cuddle party" on the couch with lots of blankets and pillows and a few stuffed animals too. Alli climbs all over both of us saying "cuddle cuddle cuddle." Once the movie is over, then we really get up and get dressed and start our day :-)

sometimes i'm proud of myself and sometimes i can't figure out why i'm not more upset. i was expecting to be a wreck. i mean, i'm an emotional wimp. i was sure i'd be depressed and cry all the time and stare at the ceiling weeping all night long instead of sleeping.

weird.

i was listening to the top 40 station today in my new (well old, but new to me from my in-laws) van and realized that i didn't have to do that. stephen always bitched about my musical taste and i bitched about his talk radio so we compromised with top 40 but i was like dude, i HATE this song and switched it to country. :-)

my lip quivered a bit at a song or two, but still no emotional breakdown. i think i'm actually doing better as the time goes on.


kids are with him for the evening.


i am supposed to be making lots of jello for family night at preschool tomorrow, but i haven't started yet. i BOUGHT it, so that's something, right? also should be washing diapers. and maybe straightening up a bit or possibly a shower or bath. ahh, that sounds very nice and relaxing :-)



oh, and i have to collect leaves for the kids to do rubbings of at family night as well. and maybe buy some fat crayons tomorrow if i can't find mine. AND take back the stupid rented movie tomorrow. we've had it a week now, oops.

i had just finished a textbook lovely bedtime with alli (24 minutes, no crying at all! but not a nap crash either, late enough that i was fairly confident that it would stick, but early enough that i didn't want to kill myself) when i heard a quiet thumping. i could not even fathom that she could have gotten up ... i had just left and she was out cold.

but i kept hearing it so i just had to check. i opened her door so so quietly and she was not standing at it hitting the wall or the door, so i closed it again just as quietly thinking it must be the neighbors.

but then i heard it again and just as i had figured it out, there is ben standing in the hallway in just his underpants, looking sheepish. he was having trouble sleeping, see first he was hot and then he was lonely because he came out and looked for me and i was still in with alli so he went back to bed but he was still hot and could not get to sleep.

i am proud of how kind and understanding i was with him :-) i thanked him profusely for putting himself back to bed and waiting for me and NOT coming in while i was laying down with alli and helped him cool down by getting him some water and dampening his hair and back and switching out his fall blanket for his summer one again. (it was cold a few nights ago, but now isn't again) i also had him pee again, even though he'd just peed at bedtime about 45 minutes ago. AH-HA! that's why you couldn't sleep you goofball, you had like 80 gallons of pee in there.



so i tucked him back in and said good night and here i am at 9:41 and i think both kids are actually asleep!!!!!!!! i mean, of course anything could happen, but i am feeling more confident about this day than all the other days.

aaron visited today and it was nice and only a teeny bit weird. i almost said something but stopped myself mid sentence. nothing good would have come of it. the kids had fun with him and he played video games with ben and we went to the kids museum when alli got up. we have a membership and they asked "how many children and how many adults?" and i said two and two and they didn't charge us for him :-) they must have thought he was my husband! funny. the kids look enough like him it's plausible i guess. even if he is six years younger than me that's less of a big deal at (almost) 23 and (almost) 29 than it was at 11 and 17 :-)

did i mention there were um, emotions involved with him visiting ...

i'm still glad though. we went out for pho after the museum and the kids were IMHO fairly well-behaved, though not perfect and i could tell it was hard for him to accept normal kid behavior as such. i wanted to be like, dude, don't sweat the small stuff.

he stayed til 7ish and then we watched a movie and then the kids went to bed. it was one of the shortest days we've had since all of this happened. OH and ben had his first day of fall swim this morning too! considering i went to bed with alli last night at 12:40 with no alarm set, i'm proud that we a) remembered and b) were early! impressive. maybe i can get the hang of this single mom stuff eventually.

sad moment of the day: ben talking about papa in the car set alli off on a cry, but it was short-lived. nothing compared to what it would have been if it had been bedtime. and ben asked me to read him "i will always love you" and said "we should read this to papa."

fuck. i barely kept from crying at that one. (it's a book about forgiveness when someone you love does something that hurts you.) damn that kid and his amazing emotional maturity and uncanny intuition.

on the horizon:

tonight: straighten up, clean catbox, bit of dishes, maybe knit and watch HIMYM. i was supposed to watch it with stephen, but decided that i like it so much the happiness will probably outweigh the sadness. i hope.

tomorrow: jessi is coming and staying with alli when i take ben to school. coming home, laying alli down, knitting with jessi, packing. getting ben from school and driving to kent, dropping kids off to see their papa, hanging out with my mom for a bit (if there's time) and then getting ready to go see "Easy A" with alexis. i made her promise to dress up because this is probably the last date i'm going to have in a good long while. she said "yes ma'am!" i giggled. i have no idea how long we will be out for and what i'm doing about alli and sleeping and me and where and whatever. i kind of want to leave her overnight with stephen ... it's not like she doesn't cry her eyes out when she's with me and not him, so what's the difference if she's with him and not me? i mean, i'd be five minutes away, he could bring her to me if she was seriously inconsolable. i dunno ... is this for her benefit or his benefit or my benefit? or no ones? am i trying to punish him? like see, this its what it's like to be me everysingleday? or am i doing them both a favor because they miss each other so much. i don't know. i'd have more confidence in my decision if i could figure out what my real motivation was ...

tueday: ben has school again at 12:15 and i am unsure who is doing what with what kid. i would hate for me to take both of them back to everett at 11 a.m. and have that be the end of their time with their papa until next week, but logistically i can't figure out what would be the best solution ... he said he didn't mind driving, but i said i didn't want the kids to suffer through unnecessary amounts of driving just so he could see them more ... i don't know how it will work out, but we'll have to think of something ...


PS: i got this text last night "everything reminds me of you. taylor swift came on and all i want to do is go to you and hold you. i can hear you singing in my head."

me: "i appreciate what you said but mostly i am envious that you have *time* to be sad. I feel like alli is using up the household's tear quota leaving none for me.

me: "if you happen to be standing in the parking lot right now you can totally come up here and take her. i would be much obliged." (this was a reference to him driving all the way up here last tuesday to leave a flower on my car at 11 p.m.)

him: "how i wish i could say that i was"

me: "yeah i thought that would be a long shot. she just won't sleep. actually, she slept from 8:45 to 9:30 and then woke up shrieking for you. First full sentence: "papa home alli night night no mama!"

him: "i could be there by 12:30. gladly."


unfortunately, i didn't see the last text from him until much later, by which time it was already about 12:10. i called him and thanked him for the offer but said that she was showing signs of wearing down and i was pretty sure she'd be out before he got here if he hadn't already left. (he hadn't, he was waiting for an answer) and i was right. 12:40. but it was still pretty damn nice of him to offer.